Good Friday

24 March 2016

For most of my life, I’ve found a lot of comfort in the presence of animals – the four legged variety. I had a thing for strays, I begged to be allowed to have pets of different kinds, and I was often successful in coercing my mother to see my point of view. Of course, by the time I was in high school, she had worked me out and I remember her telling me (on at least one occasion) that if I brought home one more animal, she would break both my legs. Wow. Bringing the mafia hit man out in my devoutly christian mother was quite the coup. I took her seriously.

As an adult in my own home, relieved of the threat of my mother’s cartoon violence, I’ve nearly always had a pet of one kind or another and I have always bonded with them. I believe they have souls, and I believe they are capable of feeling in ways we can only imagine.

A few years ago, way back when I was living in Canberra in what seems like another life, Steve and I brought a puppy into our lives. We called her “Friday” partly because she is my girl Friday and partly because everybody loves Friday – just saying the word makes people smile. Friday is full of possibility. She is an Australian Shepherd and, in spite of being the 7th of 7 in the litter and in spite of being the smallest of them, she has grown into a 30 kilo dog tall enough to put her head into my lap when I’m in my chair.

besotted
12 week old Friday – look at the size of those paws!
grown up
All grown up

She is stubborn and willful, whip smart, and concerned that children are just too chaotic for their own good. She is also far more patient than most any person you could name. Before my accident, she was my running partner, she went tramping with us, and she excelled at learning new things. She got us out and about at least a couple of times a day and she was often the icebreaker at the beach or at the cafe. People want to pat her and ask about her colour, her half blue eye, her breed, her lovely coat. Without question, she is a looker.

While I was in the hospital and rehab, I missed Friday like crazy. But, there was a dog at the spinal unit who had been adopted by one of the Occupational Therapists. Floyd had been trained as a service dog, but didn’t pass his final assessment because his legs were too short! It seems a little harsh, but he couldn’t reach lights, crosswalk signals, etc so couldn’t fulfill the necessary duties. He has a great life, though, because he comes into the rehab unit most days and everyone just gets such a lift from his little furry presence.

I decided then and there that one of my goals for rehab would be getting Friday assessed and trained up as a mobility service dog. Steve and I went on the hunt for an organisation that would support us to do this, and we found Perfect Partners Assistance Dog Trust. We also needed a trainer in Wellington that would help us out – training for obedience and a few cute tricks is one thing, training for dependability, ability to ignore distractions, ability to cope with new or potentially scary stuff is a different level altogether.

We entered this endeavour knowing that, although we love Friday and we know she is brilliant, she can be a little too suspicious of people and her nature is to guard. She is also, like a lot of working dogs, excitable and sometimes easily distracted. Being away from her for months didn’t help. She became anxious if we even left the room, and a new person entering the house brought on barking and carry on that was hard to stop. We needed to get her to a more placid state – less likely to bark or turn her attention away from me. Enter Jan Voss of A.C.E. dog training.

We started out just working on settling her and helping her adjust to the idea of me leaving the room and reappearing. We moved on quickly to settling in public places, ignoring yapping small dogs, hanging out at the bus stop with people and buses coming and going, and hanging out at cafes and pubs (you might imagine that part was a real chore for me). Steve spent innumerable hours walking her and patiently working with her to get over her anxiety. Over a period of three or four months, she became a different dog, so we applied to the program and got accepted. We continued the work at home, and Friday quickly learned to pick up items that I’ve dropped and return them to me gently, get my keys, get my phone, get the remote, and open and close doors using a pull tab. She is learning to pull me when I need a little extra boost to start up an incline.

fridge door open
Opening the fridge door (could have been a mistake teaching this to a chow hound)

Friday received her official jacket that identifies her as a service dog in training, so we were able to access more public places like the inside of a cafe/restaurant and trains. I started taking her to work with me, and she has made quite an impression. She takes the whole thing seriously and people love having her there.

Friday at the lifts
Me and Friday waiting for the lift at work

Just last week, Friday was assessed by the Perfect Partners program staff for “public access” at the Wellington Airport. She passed with flying colours. The only thing they noted for us to work on is “leave it”. The assessor intentionally dropped a couple of fresh hot chips on the floor, and in spite of me saying “leave it”, Friday ate them … really fast. She negotiated tight shop aisles with me, I dropped her lead and she stayed with me on a busy concourse, she walked in and out of sliding doors like she owned the place and she went into and out of the lift like she does it every day (actually, she does do it every day – a benefit of taking her to work). As a result of the passing mark, Friday received her “disability assist dog” tag for her collar and she has been legally registered with PPADT as dog 12, and can be re-united with me even during a civil emergency (like an earthquake).

Dog 12
Civil defense tag – Dog 12

Now in addition to being a lovely, smart companion, she is becoming an indispensable part of team Claudia. We are learning to work together in ways we didn’t have to before, and she is taking to employment with real gusto. We will continue the training, and she will have her final assessment in 6 – 12 months. Everyone has confidence that she will pass. I could not be more grateful to Jan or more proud of Friday. We have always been close, but her able assistance and her desire to do just any little thing to help makes my heart smile.

 

A little too much reality

19 March 2016

I’ve debated whether to post this, but authentic and cathartic won out over squeamish. If you’ve come here looking for something uplifting, you may want to move on. Try another post or check out a baking blog – people do some amazing stuff with flour, milk, butter and sugar. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

My body and I are still working out our arrangements and mostly this negotiation is about me compromising and learning and then compromising some more. Last Friday morning, I woke to the smell of poo – a bowel accident. My carer was in early to get me up and out for work, so she came in and cleaned me up, but then I had a bladder accident while trying to catheterise myself. This is how I pee nowadays – inserting a tube and draining my bladder once every four to six hours. Most of the time, it works a treat. Once in a while it doesn’t. So I did my best with the equipment, underlays, towels and called the carer back in with my breakfast. I sat there alone, smelling of filth, eating my meusli and wishing this wasn’t so. I can be miserable. I can feel isolated. I can feel lonely.

With breakfast finished, I transferred to a special chair that has a hole so I can use the toilet and have a shower. I sat there in the bathroom thinking about whether the lower half of my body would cooperate for the rest of the day. I have no way of knowing, and this kind of accident can set my confidence back. No matter how much I reassure myself that this has never happened to me in public, that I certainly seem to be empty now, that it is unlikely … I choose to stay home. And that decision by itself undoes my confidence a little bit more. I don’t feel brave or strong or courageous. I don’t feel independent.

I stayed in bed most of the day sleeping and reading and then Saturday morning woke with a cracker of a headache. I don’t often have tears from pain – not for months – but Saturday I did. I got up to use the toilet, but skipped the shower and went back to bed until mid-afternoon.

This kind of routine happens to me about every 4 – 6 weeks. Lower half gives in, top half follows and all I can do is tread water and hope that rest is enough. So what does it mean for me? It saps my confidence in the present and in the future. It makes me wonder about recovering parts of my life like travel and it makes me wonder about dreams Steve and I had together for living rural. I find myself making little deals with myself about where I will be in 6 months time or 12 months time in an effort to perk myself up, but I have no authority to make those deals. I can guarantee nothing. I can hope. I can work to get stronger. I can let people in so I don’t feel so isolated. What I can’t do is believe beyond all doubt that I will be better off in 6 months.

My recurring question to myself is ‘why on earth would I write this down and make it public?’ and my responses are many and varied. I started this because I need the catharsis of writing it down. I also started this because I want my friends and family to be able to understand what my life is like now. You may not want to know this much, but what I’d like you to understand is that the physical suffering (as icky as it is) is only a grain-sized piece of the loaf. The bulk of it is about what the physical does to the rest of me – how it pushes me to think about who I am and what I’m capable of and to think about what parts of me I have to abandon or what parts of me I can modify (with or without technology).

Strip away the physical manifestation of the accident, and you will find that in this wilderness of the aftermath, I am no different to anyone else who has been through a life changing event. We all struggle. We all feel isolated. We all wrestle with our dual identities of ‘the before’ and ‘the after’. Oddly, the fact that suffering connects us all is a comfort to me. I do not wish for it, not for myself or for anyone, but my word I am grateful for the feeling of communion that it brings.