19 October 2015
I’ve had a few re-starts in my life. I’ve moved to new towns without knowing a soul. I’ve even moved to new countries without knowing a soul. I’ve started new jobs, new careers, new professions. Always, it has been my choice. In every instance, I ran toward something new, never away from anything. But this time it’s different. Time and chance happened and I am at times heartsick with loss, at times angry with the lack of control, at times embracing the challenge. On my best days, a wheelchair is inconvenient with a couple of wheelies thrown in. On my worst days, I’m a shattered and embarrassed mess and the only words that will come from my mouth are “I don’t want this”. I liked Claudia 1.0. I liked the way things were going. Claudia 1.0 had plans and she was happy.
So much of me is the same and so much of me is different. In my head, in my being, I am the same – I have the same intelligence and the same fundamental beliefs. I have the same sense of humour and the same desires. But a good portion of my body is irreparably changed and those changes colour my perceptions of the world and the world’s perceptions of me. Those changes demand accommodation in ways I never needed to worry about. Those changes could most certainly take over my life and redefine me if only I would let them. Fortunately for Claudia 1.0, there is enough of her left to demand to be the one defining things around here. If there is even the smallest chance that I can overcome a challenge, it hurts me more to quit than it does to continue. And so I continue. And I continue. And I continue.
It is hard to describe how much of this is me me me and how much of it is support from the people I love. I think I have reached the point, certainly with my partner, that I am the candle and he is the flame; or maybe it is the other way around. It is hard to know where I stop and he starts; all I can see is light. He has kept me tethered to this earth and on those messy awful days he looks at me and says “every time something like this happens, it makes us stronger”. He really does say that. How could I contemplate anything but continuing? He is the closest to me, but he is not the only supporter. Every day I cannot believe my luck? good fortune? blessed life? for the family and friends who have turned out to give me love. They surround me with warmth and comfort and all I can hope is that I’m worthy.
It’s been 6 months since an accident changed my life and the lives of everyone near me. I’ve had a bit of time to think about the changes and about the ups and downs, and I’ve come to the conclusion that, if I could wish for anything in the world, I would wish for a full recovery. What I wouldn’t wish for is that it had never happened. The permanence stinks, no doubt about it, but all that I have gained from the aftermath has changed my life for the better. I think most people wish for a partner who would stick out the rough patches, and I was pretty sure Steve was one of those people. Now I know beyond doubt that he is one of those people – not everyone gets to have that. I know who my friends are and just how important they are in my life. I also know a bit more about what I’m made of.
Slowly, the worst days are getting rarer and further apart and the best days are taking their place.
A great read, I love the bit ‘all I can see is light’- it made me smile. Thank you xo
LOVE IT! I can’t say more. I am at a loss for words (for the very first time). I am glad I have been a part of your life, however small and am glad to call you sister and friend.
Claudia 2.0 – author. I have been waiting for this for about 20 years! You taught me to “love the words” and that “it’s all happening where the words are, not where the doing is” (Claudia’s definition of policy I think). I am very excited to see ALL the words – let them flow.
I love it. You have always had a way of making the reader see and feel your words. I love you dearly and am proud to call you sister and friend.
I’ve always known you as a great thinker and writer, Claudes, and that is overwhelmingly apparent in what you’ve written to date and the way in which you and Steve have approached this whole thing; with honesty, humour and intelligence. Yes, it’s a total shit but there’s still a lot of joy to be squeezed out of life. Look forward to catching up soon – we’re still trying to work out when we can get across the ditch to see you. Lots of love, Gilly and Chris xx
PS Great to see you’ve moved this off Facebook, which I’ve now pretty much abandoned. Yes, good for some things, BUT … look forward to discussing it with you.
Thanks ya’ll!
I’m glad to have moved away from FB too. Not everyone I know is on FB – shocking I know – so I’m glad to have a broader forum.
Michelle – surely that is a paraphrase of my policy definition 🙂 accurate though it may be. Wayneg – I would love to see you and Chris any time. Let’s plan something good.
Claudia, first I want to thank you for writing this blog. You are a very talented and interesting writer! In many of the sentences I could feel your heart and I must confess that I read those over several times. You’re an amazing lady (I know that word has been worn out .. it fits here tho’) and I’m so proud of you! Don’t think I could have done and come as far as you have. BTW I kept up with you through Leslie, Mike and sometimes Richard. Hangeth thou in there!
Much love, many huggies and prayers,
Lavone