24 December 2016
It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. It was a time of elation; it was a time of exhaustion. It was a silken cocoon of love; it was a punch in the face that went on for 10 days. It was confidence building; it was soul shattering. I laughed, I cried, I loved, I resented, I wished, I realised, I coasted, I pushed, I learned.
On the upside, we caught up with friends and family and got a top up of love that neither of us realised was so low. We spent days in the physical and mental warmth of Byron Bay and the Gold Coast being a little spoiled and catching up on the lives of our friends and family – things we’ve missed, things we knew about but wanted to know more of, even meeting new additions to families. All of it so important and so lovely. I would not trade my hours of sharing and communing for anything. In Canberra, I spent hours with a couple of friends in particular who reminded me of good times and what it means to pass five hours as if it is five minutes. I re-connected with friends who have had life-altering experiences. We were able to share our highs and lows, creating new pathways for our ongoing friendships.
On the downside, I was reminded – brutally – of what I am not able to do. Traveling to places that I enjoyed as an able-bodied person brought home to me how much I rely on Steve and others to do just about anything physical. I couldn’t go anywhere alone. Not one place. I couldn’t swim in the sea at Wategos, I couldn’t pop in and out of shops on Lawson Street, I couldn’t go to the National Portrait Gallery or black mountain. Everything was so familiar and so completely out of my reach. It hurt. It made me feel like I’ve wasted time. It made me wish and resent and feel sorry for myself.
On the upside, I spent a little time with Timothy Lachlan working on wheelies, gutter crossings and popping up curbs. I have a lot of practicing to do, but he was encouraging and helpful and generous with his time and experience. Video to come – I promise.
On the downside, I learned a couple of these skills in rehab, but the skill learning and practice was interrupted by the need for bed rest. The practice with Timothy just reminds me that I should have been able to do these things already and I should have been practicing and working on them for the past 12 months. I should have been further ahead by now.
On the upside, the plane trip was a piece of cake. I have to tote a bunch of stuff with me these days – no turning up at the airport just in time to walk onto the plane with a carry on; those days are definitely over – but the ground and air crews are incredibly helpful and I’m feeling quite confident that I will eventually be able to do this with some regularity if that’s what I want. I also feel more confident about the possibility of going further afield, which is such a welcome feeling.
On the downside, I have to take so much stuff and need so many skills that I doubt my ability to ever travel solo again. I think I will always need help into the airport and I will need to be met at the other end, even if I can fly alone. That has implications for work travel and implications for going anywhere I want to go by myself. Traveling and moving alone was the source of a lot of my confidence as an adult. Knowing I could do it reinforced my feelings of capability and strength. Not being able to do it, well, I’m not back at zero, but it’s pretty shit.
Steve, in his way, referred to the holiday as a ‘growth experience’. Coming from anyone else, I would have called that a euphemism right before I ran over the toes of the person that said it, but he didn’t mean it as a way of glossing over anything. Growth isn’t easy. In fact, I’d be hard pressed to come up with anything I’ve ever learned that came without effort. It was confronting, and shitful, and it made me weep. But it also made us stronger, and better equipped, and it made our relationship(s) deeper. It also made me realise that I need a holiday.